If you are in Miami don’t miss this:
Photo: Courtesy of Emilia Campos Schaffler.
Who has a much better camera than I do. Thanks, Emily!
I tried this shot about twenty times but nothing came out even close.
If sunsets are this wonderful imagine the sunrises!
Too bad most of us are sleeping.
Including me… I blame it on the booze from the evening before!
I am not a neat freak but I have assigned a place to each object in my home.
Of course my husband happily ignores it.
He doesn’t have the mental nor the physical capacity to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher so I didn’t expect him to put the toaster back to where it belongs each morning.
So I had this brilliant idea: I placed the toaster on his way on the floor so he’d bump to it and hopefully hurt his toes.
It worked, although I had to hear to some unpleasant f* words.
But he never left the toaster on the counter again.
I am soooo mean!!!!
It came with no warning of any kind. I didn’t even see the guy approaching. It happens sometimes, I must not look that bad.
It was so straight-forward that I was left with no words.
I wondered if I should have felt offended or happy with so much honesty.
Well, I felt offended because the guy looked like a psycho.
Had he been good-looking it would have made my day.
I replied calmly:
Well, I can give you my e-mail but your message will probably go to spam.
I didn’t wait for his response and ran away without looking back.
Such a crazy world!
*It happened again during a tennis lesson in Seattle. A guy storms into the public park’s court and asks me if I can be his girlfriend. My coach interferes saying I am married. He totally ignores her while staring at my boobs. Kudos to him for the balls to behave with no qualms.
It was about 1 o’clock in the morning and the free shuttle dropped us off at the motel lobby close to Atlanta airport.
I had missed my last connecting flight.
I was dead tired and I just wanted a place to crash.
A couple who had shared the shuttle with me seemed to be in the same situation. While I checked in, the wife looked around and started to complain:
‘This place stinks! I won’t stay here!’
‘It’s just Lysol!’, says the husband.
‘No, it’s not! Look at this place!’
‘Pleeeeease, it’s just Lysol!’, he begs.
‘Let’s look for another hotel!’
‘Please, it’s one in the morning and our flight leaves in a few hours!’
‘I won’t stay here!’
I felt bad for the husband and tried to intervene:
‘It’s just for a few hours. It doesn’t make sense looking for another place.’
Her husband smiled but she fired at me with her eyes and sized me up.
‘You don’t even look high maintenance, bitch!”, my eyes fired back at her.
‘Can you drive us to another hotel?’, she asked to the shuttle driver.
‘He can drive you back to the airport’, intervened the receptionist, rolling his eyes.
The driver, the receptionist and I had to try our best not to cheer.
The next morning I saw them at the airport lobby looking like zombies.
I am starting to worry about getting old lately.
My mother has osteoporosis and a free pharmacy test showed I lack calcium. Although I have decent ground strokes in tennis my bones are supposedly weak.
I love the sun but I hate milk so that might be true.
So nothing drives me crazier than when my husband (like so many others) tries to get the closest possible parking spot to the entrance of wherever we are going.
He knows I’m going to start my never-ending speech on why you should walk as much as you can while you are young and healthy because one day the most basic things you do everyday that you take for granted now will be the most excruciating task and no I’m not talking about being able to drive and park in the handicapped spot but about being able to take a few steps therefore let’s park far away so we’ll have a great opportunity to walk and you are less likely to get into a parking lot fender-bender and I know how much you care about your car you love it more than you care about me yes it’s true…
My little sister, on the other hand, considers herself an awful driver and parks as far as possible from the crowd. Her spoiled teen daughter complains and has to hear a version of my speech.
Also read: How to Drive Your Husband Crazy.
Coming soon: A list of suggestions on how to drive your wife crazy will be posted here.
One of these days my new coworker and I were having that typical “Where do you live” introductory conversation.
I told him I like the neighborhood where I live now but I think it’s too quiet. But I’m not complaining, I clarified, since my partying years are pretty much over.
He laughed and said how our priorities change when picking a place to live.
When you are young, you want to know how many bars there are in the neighborhood. Next time you are worried with schools for your children. Finally, all that matters is if there’s a hospital nearby.
The conversation reminded me of my mother-in-law.
She uses to say that when you are young you get invited to bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, weddings, baby showers, baptisms and graduations and there’s a child birthday party to go to almost every weekend.
Years fly by and suddenly you find yourself being invited to attend funerals.
My coworker dressed up as a mean nurse for the Halloween costume contest at our office in downtown Miami.
After getting her little daughter ready for school she was late for work. She lives in Kendall, a bit far from downtown. So she thought it wouldn’t hurt to enter the highway before the end of the grid lines so she’d get to full speed quicker. What were the odds a police officer would stop her? Well, she did get pulled over.
The officer was a tough guy, she tells me, almost scary.
She takes her sunglasses off and looks at him. I can just imagine her unaffected expression of “what have I possibly done wrong?”
The officer starts the typical speech. “Do you know I could fine your for that?”
“Oh, he’ll take a big bite from my paycheck!”
Three or four “Do you knows” later the officer softens up. “But since you heal people I’ll let you go.”
She decided to forget all the teachings about truth and honesty and principles and concentrated on how luck she was.
“Oh, thank you so much!”
After she was released she realized the plastic stethoscope was exposed in the back seat.
Had the officer seen it she’d have said. “Oh, that’s my daughter’s.”
To what the officer would’ve replied. “Oh, does she heal people too?”
BTW, her costume was perfect! But, for obvious reasons, I can’t post a picture of it here.
Booze and Coffee 